For the last couple of weeks I’ve been grieving.
It doesn’t seem to be getting much better.
My stomach churns inside, everyday, every situation that I see or come across that relates to babies I am trying to hold it together so that I can push through positively. Tell myself that ‘it’s ok’.
The more I dwell the more it hurts, but then, at the same time I don’t want to bottle it up.
I just feel angry and sad – because I’m not pregnant, because I’m not going to have the baby we could have had, because it’s breaking my heart right now – and that’s ok.
I know what happened, happened ‘for the right reasons’, I know that if it hadn’t of happened I wouldn’t have grown closer to God in the way that I have, I know that ‘it’s very common’ – I really don’t like that one, and I know that ‘it’s ok to feel the emotions I have’. I also know that I’m not the only one going through this, and that I need to ask God to show me how to work through my pain.
I was angry with God recently, I can’t deny it, but now, I’m thinking more clearly. I know he does everything for good.
At one stage I was so positive about the situation, the good things that came out of the trial we faced, and all of this still applies, but I almost feel like I’m taking a step back, in the way I am dealing with the situation and becoming bitter about the whole thing.
Thankfully I’m blessed with two beautiful children and a supportive husband who really help me through. My world.
Just 6 more weeks and our bundle of joy would have come into this world! I need to remind myself that I don’t need to fear when this time approaches, God WILL get me through. He is our God of all comfort (2 Corinthians 1:3) and is close to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18). He loves us with an everlasting love (Jeremiah 31:3) and will draw near to us (James 4:8) – we just need to draw near to him. God doesn’t want us to get by thinking we can do it on our own. Make ourselves vulnerable and let him take our hand (Isaiah 41:13) and wipe away our tears (Revelation 21:4). He is right here and never leaves.
He is our rock (Psalm 18:2).
His steadfast love endures forever (Psalm 136)…………..
An angel came and took you away, but you will be in our hearts forever.